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May 29, 2006
IN MEMORIAM
Today is Memorial Day, the unofficial beginning of summer. Trips to the beach, barbecues, and having a good time are the popular order of the day. Don't forget the real purpose of today, however. During yesterday's Yankees game, announcer Bob Sheppard requested the entire stadium crowd to stand at exactly 3p.m. and observe a moment of silence honoring all the people who'd died defending the U.S. in times of war. It was coordinated across the nation.
Fleet Week has inundated NYC with Navy and Marine personnel over the past few days and I've met and talked with some absolutely impressive people. Unlike Veterans Day, when we honor people who have served in the military, Memorial Day is when we commemorate people, like the ones that I met, who didn't survive their services and that's why I find a somber and imminently heartbreaking component to this weekend. Who won't return next year?
NYC is extreme "blue state" territory and I heard about and witnessed a few scattered incidents of hostility to service members, but by and large New Yorkers love their military men and women. Whenever I saw a group of men and women in uniform walked down an avenue in uniform or traversed sidewalks, I saw lots of people shouting thanks and encouragement. Handshakes abounded. Maybe we are all Americans after all.
While you're enjoying your three-day weekend, please take a second to remember all the people who never got to afford such luxurious pleasures afforded at the cost of their own lives. We owe them everything. You owe them something: your thanks and remembrance.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 11:14 AM | Current Events | Comments (0) | TrackBack
TV "SCIENCE"
I recently saw a portion of a show called "Body Armor" on the Discovery Science Channel that examined the usefulness of modern body armor and its historical origins. In the first ten minutes, "Criminalist" Mary Jane Flowers (her parents were obviously hippies) of the San Diego Police Department examines the evidence in a shooting of a police officer where a bulletproof vest possibly saved his life.
I'm-guessing-not-Dr. Flowers holds the bullet she removed from the officer's vest up to the camera and compares it to an unfired 9mm round, explaining how the now-crushed bullet is maybe only 1/3 the size of what an original round looks like. Impressive! There's only one problem: that is fundamentally idiotic. Comparing the relative size of a crushed bullet and an unfired round is nonsensical in every sense of the word.
Here's a reasonable look at what modern rounds are and how they function. There are three main components: the bullet, the casing, and the rim. The bullet is the conical tip at the end of the round that exits a gun's barrel. The casing is the cylindrical part of the round in the middle that contains the propellant that propels the bullet to fantastic speed. The rim is the beveled end of the round that is struck by a gun's firing pin, activating the primer within and igniting the casing's propellant. Altogether, the bullet only accounts for about 40%-45% of an unfired round's profile. When a round is fired from a semi-automatic pistol--as was being discussed in the "Body Armor" show--the round's casing and rim are ejected as one piece through a side port while the bullet travels out of the barrel. You following me so far?
Comparing a crushed bullet to an unfired round, i.e. the bullet, casing, and rim all together, makes for a completely erroneous impression. It looks like the bullet has been compressed by body armor by two thirds, or 66%, but in reality the projectile has only flattened by about 20%. That's a mistake of presentation by a factor of more than three, or the difference between saying a baseball player hits .600 versus .200. This may seem like a totally ridiculous and unimportant thing to be writing about, but is representative of how the media--even scientifically identified shows--can badly misrepresent reality.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 10:10 AM | Science & Technology , Television | Comments (0) | TrackBack
LEXIPHANE MOVES PEOPLE, LITERALLY
Beginning with a few hours of late-assist effort painting my friend's new apartment Friday evening, I began what a holiday weekend is for underemployed persons: serious hard labor. In a fit of good sense and generosity, Kendra allowed me to visit her at work for a drink or two to reward me for my painting efforts, but then wisely 86'd me around 10:30, as she required me to rent a truck for her move early the next morning (lifelong NYers often don't bother to get driver's licenses). Paranoid I'd oversleep, I was up at 5 a.m. with insomnia and bided my time watching informercials and yelling at the cat.
I showed up at the rental place with the hugest iced coffee I think has ever been produced--it was about 64 ozs.--and from McDonald's of course. That started us off on a weird tangent with the heavily tatooed rental truck attendant, who adivsed us on the desirability of certain Vietnamese teas and his regular preference for buying Jamaican Blue Mtn. coffee beans. I mentioned "Yeah, I thought that stuff was a little expensive." He replied "Oh sure, $40 a pound." I'm going to start investigating a career in the rental-truck-attendant field.
Our next stop was off to Kendra's former roommate's apartment, who was away for the weekend but had left the keys to his building so she could pick up her bed. You know what? I'm not even going to describe what happened next. I don't want to embarrass Kendra or myself. Let's just say that we didn't get the bed, but whenever the building's residents return from their weekend getaways, their progress through the front door and up the stairs will be barred by a giant mattress--and Kendra's currently sleeping on a featherbed.
We spent the next 8-odd hours moving her possessions from her former residence to her current one. Elevators assisted, as did the apparently municipally omnipotent PBA card that we stuck on the dash of the rental van we parked in restricted police parking spot right in front of her building (and a hydrant), as she now lives next to a precinct house. Another Dave pitched in as well to move the furniture out of the truck, right at the moment when I was prepared to keel over. Thanks Dave! Nonetheless, when I bent over Saturday evening to pick up a kid's bottle that he's dropped out of his stroller, I was feeling all of it.
A day of rest was well deserved and well enjoyed yesterday, i.e. walking it off in Central Park and watching the Yankees game. Today I'm off to Boston to help another friend move into his new place. I'm sure I'll have some similar aches and pains to report Wednesday.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 1:40 AM | Current Events | Comments (0) | TrackBack
EARLY RETIREMENT
Although the Yanks have to play a matinee game against the Detroit Tigers tomorrow at 12:30, they apparently wanted to get to Sunday Memorial Day barbecues a little too early yesterday afternoon. After banging up the Kansas City Royals' starting pitcher Hernandez early (he only lasted 2/3 of an inning) and then scoring another run off their opponents' first reliever, it seemed like batters started to daydream about what they'd like to be doing on a three-day weekend, rather than being highly paid athletes. You know; all those regular people who don't make $25 million a year are able to enjoy themselves, while there they are, multimillionaire athletes forced to work on a holiday. It seems so unfair.
So starting in the bottom of the third inning, the Yankees batters did the best impression of an Arthur Murry dance instructor they could muster: "One, two, three. That's it! One, two, three. Excellent! One, two, three. We're almost there!" Six innings in a row of one-two-three batter sequences, with only Johnny Damon getting on base in the bottom of the third before he was caught stealing for a third out. All the while the Royals were staging a comeback. Mariano Rivero staved off the improbable, by forcing the Royals into three top-of-the-9th outs off their bats and the Yanks won 6-5.
Tomorrow is a national holiday. Hopefully Steinbrenner and Torre have informed their team that it doesn't begin for the players until the end of the game.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 1:03 AM | Sports | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 26, 2006
LISTEN UP!
I personally love NYC in the summer. A lot of people don't and they head to the Hamptons and their summer shares. Those are the people I don't particularly like to hang out with so their absence only improves the city. Thus, my initial statement is fortified. It's a perfect circle of convenience for everyone.
True, it's a hot time, summer in the city, back of my neck gettin' dirty and gritty (thank you Lovin' Spoonful) and there can be cruel cruel summers (thank you Bananarama), but that's what summer's about! Embrace it! Go to some shows and sweat like you're supposed to while getting your groove on! There's lots of opportunities:
Fiona Apple and Damien Rice play Central Park's SummerStage on the 26th of July. I went to a baseball game last summer and caught my friend's daughter singing the lyrics sotto voce to a Damien Rice song. Fortunately, my friend is a skillful manager of the volume knob in her car so the young'un didn't utter anything graphically obscene, 'cause I blush easily. $50
Bloc Party play the McCarren Pool Park in Williamsburg on July 29th. Their "Silent Alarm" album was wearing a hole through my iPod a few months ago and it seems like it would be interesting to hear an extremely electronic band like it take it outdoors. $30
The New Pornographers follow up at SummerStage in CP on August 3rd. Power-pop featuring Neko Case? You'd have to be dead if you didn't think this band got your head bobbing. $30
Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals visit Rumsey Playfield in Central Park at East 72nd on the 5th of September. Do you or do do you not want to meet ladies this summer? Do you have any soul whatsoever? $40
But this is the best part about people skulking about the asphalt jungle in the dead of summer, you can get by just fine if you're a broke, cheap-ass, deadbeat! All of the following shows are 100% completely free:
Belle & Sebastian celebrate our independence on the 4th of July at Battery Park around 3:30 pm. Pry yourself from the grill for the music. Stay for the fireworks.
Alex Chilton is featured with the Box Tops on August 18 at South Street Seaport on the 18th of August at 7 pm. Maybe they'll play some Big Star. Maybe they won't. Do you want to risk it?
Ted Leo & The Pharmacists appear at South Street Seaport on August 25th, which leads me to believe that I need to meet whoever's booking that venue's acts, 'cause that's only part of what Pier 17 has lined up for the season.
If you want to head to the Hamptons this summer and see Billy Joel singing "Piano Man" as he's pulled from his car after crashing into the buffet table at a polo match, be my guest. I'm sticking right here.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 9:13 AM | Music | Comments (2) | TrackBack
May 25, 2006
OUR BLUE ANGEL HEAVEN
It's Fleet Week here in NYC and I just looked out my window to see the Blue Angels in tight formation doing a low-level flyby over Brooklyn, trailed by a C-130 transport aircraft. It seemed like they were buzzing 5th Ave.! They're obviously doing turnaround passes to come up the harbor and pass Manhattan along the Hudson River. Sweet. The only thing strange about it is that Brooklyn is a major flight path for commercial passenger jets. Aw, shit, there they go again! This is awesome.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 2:40 PM | NYC | Comments (0) | TrackBack
IF YOU SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING also DON'T F WITH THE F LINE
The title of this entry is laughable to a lot of people and indicative of a paranoia the government is supposedly attempting to instill in the American people. It's as if the twin hallmarks of the NYC skyline weren't crushed to powder and more than 3,000 people weren't murdered just five years ago.
A Pakistani immigrant was found guilty Wednesday of plotting to blow up the Herald Square subway station.
After two days of deliberations, a federal jury in Brooklyn convicted 23-year-old Shahawar Matin Siraj of conspiracy and other charges.
Prosecutors say he was planning the attack on the 34th Street subway station in retaliation for the Abu Ghraib prison scandal.
Siraj and co-conspirator James El Shafay were arrested a day before the Republican National Convention was held at Madison Square Garden in 2004.
El Shafay later pleaded guilty and testified against Siraj.
During the trail, prosecutors played tapes where Siraj laughed about the September 11th attacks and said he wanted to cause economic harm to the U.S.
He now faces life in prison when he is sentenced in October.
It happened in Madrid. It happened in London. There's no reason why NYC couldn't suffer another terrorist attack or might be immune to further atrocities.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 7:02 AM | War | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 24, 2006
JETER REMAINS A DAGGER IN BOSTON'S HEART
Every couple of weeks it's easy to forget why Derek Jeter is the captain of the Yankees and possibly one of the greatest of the franchise's players ever. Then it'll be the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs at Fenway in a close game and Jeter grabs a ground ball and improbably throws to first for the final out. It's not so much the backhanded catch that was awesome--and it was awesome, but the mid-air spin and throw that got to first-baseman Andy Phillips in time. What the hell? I feel proud when I barehand an errant throw from a beer pong game and accurately toss is back to the table.
I can only comment on the latter two-thirds of the game, but Boston had some serious problems that they'll be talking about in the clubhouse tonight. One was Boston centerfielder Willie Mo Pena's decision not to go home on a wild wild pitch by Kevin Farnsworth in the 8th that would've brought Boston to within one late in the game. The second is David Ortiz' three strikeouts later in the game. He didn't leave anyone on base in those at-bats, but he's the third batter in Boston's lineup; come on! The money at-bat was Mariano Rivera throwing towards Yankee-killer Manny Ramirez in the bottom of the 9th. He scared him off the plate with an inside pitch early and Manny overreacted to the second inside pitch, but Rivera got him to fly out on the fifth pitch that was the beginning of the end of the end for the Sox. Good game Bostonites! We'll see you in a few weeks.
The Yanks closed to within half a game of Boston's lead in the AL East tonight and have a day off before they face the KC Royals. Randy Johnson had a mixed effort tonight with a few more strikeouts than runs, but altogether: not that hot. It's a win for the books though.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 11:07 PM | Sports | Comments (0) | TrackBack
RUBBER MATCH TONIGHT AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
In a few minutes, the Red Sox and Yankees will meet for the rubber match of their three-game series, since it will be the deciding game of the series currently tied at one apiece. Anyone that watches a lot of baseball broadcasts will be familiar with the term "rubber match". Yankees broadcasters Jim Kaat and Michael Kay use it all the time and I suppose it's helpful since "tie-breaker" sounds a little too tennis-y for use in talking about baseball. I got to wondering, however, what the hell it is supposed to mean, other than what it is used for. It seems like a term that should be reserved for a pitching duel, like "Wright and Wakefield had a rubber match in last night's game" because of the rubber on the mound a pitcher must be in contact with while in motion.
Let's go to the Internet! Apparently, I'm not the only person this has occurred to, and the answer is decidedly undetermined. One site gave varying theories:
RUBBER MATCH - "A 'rubber match' or 'rubber game' or simply 'rubber' in any sport means a deciding contest between two tied opponents. The term dates back to the late 16th century but no one seems certain of its etymology or in what sport it originated. The expression was not used in card games until the mid 18th century and the earliest recorded use of it appears to be a 1599 reference, cited in the 'Oxford English Dictionary,' to the game of bowls. The word 'rubber' in the term seems to derive from a word of unknown origin, not the resilient substance called 'rubber' or the verb 'to rub.'" From "Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins" by Robert Hendrickson (Facts on File, New York, 1997).AdSumADS
The semantics of both the verb, "to rub," and the gummy substance are reconcilable to the phrase. Where the contest is close, one may say that the contestants are close enough to rub against each other. Also, where each contestant continues to win individual matches, the set can be seen to bounce between them (as rubber bounces), the set can be seen to stretch (as rubber stretches) on to "extra" matches. The substance became known as "rubber" for its use in erasing, or rubbing-out. Where the number of wins are equal, they can be seen as nullifying or rub-out the significance of the history, putting the onus on the rubber match to decide a winner.This is all mere rationalization, however. The semantics might very be related to an etymological link to some unknown word, rendering the reconcialtion to the verb or the substance moot. On that tip, I'd suspect, just intuitively, something from French and that it relates to tennis somehow. Perhaps, "rabâcher", "rabais", "rabat", "rabiot", "rabot", "rabrouer", "rebondissement", "rebord", "rebuffade", "rebut", "repartie", "répartir", "réplique", "report", "repris", "reproche", "requérir", "riposte", ou "ruban."
Well, you learn something new everyday; or you don't, because no one seems to know what the true origin of the phrase is. I do find it fascinating that it may have French or Latinite origins and date to the 1500s. That's like imagining Yankee announcer Ken Singleton in a powdered wig discuss on air the Yankees' fin de siecle run of success or manager Torre allowing Johnson an auto da fe performance on the mound. If you're watching tonight's game, wait for one of the guys in the booth to say "rubber match" and then imagine him saying it in a faux French accent. We can have a private chuckle between ourselves.
P.S. This is embarrassing, but I kind of want to hang out with the people who conducted the discussion I excerpted above.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 6:18 PM | Sports | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 23, 2006
ALMOST MAKING A VISIT TO THE PROCTOROLOGIST
At the top of the 7th inning, it looked like the Yankees recovered to have the second of three games in Fenway Park wrapped up (they dropped the first game) Tuesday evening, after Alex Rodriguez smacked a pop-fly that turned into a homerun that resulted in three runs, much to his surprise. That brought the Yankees lead to a seemingly impenetrable 7-1. Unfortunately, Joe Torre pulled starting pitcher Jared Wright after the end of the 5th inning. Granted, he'd caught a hit in the ribs for an out in the first at-bat of the 1st inning, but he also had a very low pitch count, only allowed 4 hits, and there were no Boston runs on the scoreboard.
Scott Proctor, on the other hand, almost allowed the Yanks to take it in the ass in Boston. In one and two-thirds innings, Proctor let Boston hit four times--including a three-run homer by Manny Ramirez--and walked two batters. It could have been worse if he hadn't been bailed out by his infielders with a 6th-inning doubleplay. On the plus side, Torre threw three more pitchers at Boston's lineup to preserve the lead for the win that Wright richly deserved.
The other mound was the interesting situation, however, as Tim Wakefield got a little more wobbly than his knuckleball in the top of the 6th inning. Alex Rodriguez got to first after striking out on a swung passed ball that got away from catcher Mirabelli. Then Jorge Posada got on base with a walk, after some erratic pitching by Wakefield. A few more crazy pitches resulted in passed-ball stolen bases by Bernie and ARod, the latter eventually stealing home on a passed ball. Granted, the three-run homer at the top of the second inning by ARod was probably more significant, but Wakefield's 6th-inning performance appeared like a bellweather for things falling apart.
As an aside, former Red Soxer Johnny Damon was greeted with choruses of boos every time he stepped to the plate, but hit .400, including a team first-at-bat homerun that he followed with a double in the 3rd inning. It was a bad night for Boston fans all around.
The struggling Randy Johnson starts for the Yankees tomorrow evening.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 10:43 PM | Sports | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 22, 2006
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!
(Ralph McDaniels, host of the awesome old-school NYC hiphop show "The Bridge")
Gothamist.com helpfully pointed out an article in The New York Times today profiling NYC TV, which is a municipally owned and operated channel. The Times is following my lead here as I was singing the channel's praises earlier this month [see NYCTV, 5/5/06]. From the Times:
For a first look at New York City's hottest bands, there is only one television station that taps into the underground music scene from the East Village to Williamsburg, Brooklyn.For access to the city's biggest social events, there is again one station that devotes countless hours to the red carpet premieres at the Tribeca Film Festival, the runway shows at Fashion Week and the summer concerts in Central Park.
That station is none other than the city's official television outlet, NYC TV. With an ever-growing roster of programs that delve into previously uncovered slivers of New York culture, this once-overlooked station, whose bread and butter used to be City Hall hearings, has soared in the ratings to 100,000 viewers for its most popular shows, and scored 14 New York Emmys.
So successful is the station's programming that its shows are starting to get picked up by television stations from East Hampton to Los Angeles, while Continental, Delta and South African airlines have featured its programs on their flights. Its signature theme, "Everything New York," even inspired a station in Seoul, South Korea, to reinvent itself as "Everything Seoul."
Is the channel in some sense shameless city boosterism? Well, yeah! And there are some city councilmembers who feel that it's been turned from an information resource to just a channel for tourists, to which I say "Good!" You know who watched publicly broadcast city council meetings? No one! Am I a NYC tourist? Yes, proudly so, and I've lived in the area for nearly a decade. The great thing about NYC is that if you're so inclined, one can be miles from your neighborhood and tip your cap to merchants or people you recognize or you can walk down the street you live on and walk into a store or business that's been around for 50 years and talk with someone you've never met before.
An old stereotype is the New Yorker who's lived in the city his whole life, but never visited the Statue of Liberty or Empire State Building, never mind the thousands of lesser-known attractions the city has to offer. NYC TV is all about making tourists of all of us. I think that's an incredible initiative and applaud Bloomberg and the channel for undertaking it.
A sampling of the shows available on NYC TV.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 11:40 PM | Television | Comments (0) | TrackBack
WELL DONE
Memorial Day Weekend is just around the corner, but sometimes you can't wait to throw a great barbecue. I'd like to extend thanks to my friend Kendra for doing just that. Early rain storms gave way to a beautiful Sunday evening at Manhattan's Whiskey River Tavern, where friends gathered to do some serious grilling. Alpha males Pat and Justin took turns at the grill flipping burgers and dogs. The lovely and talented cook Meghan brought a pasta salad that had some people shoveling food straight from the serving bowl right into their mouths. The manager of a sister bar brought her daughter, who introduced and reintroduced me to every member of her doll collection while complimenting me on my bad hair day. Katie and Eric managed an appearance before she had to head off to work. Later on, even Kendra's parents showed up, the smell of the grill no doubt having reached the Upper East Side. All the while, Kendra ran about, the happy hostess in a bright kitchen apron. It was a highly successful event in my opinion and one I hope reoccurs in the near future. Thanks Kendra!
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 1:55 PM | Food & Drink | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 21, 2006
ENOUGH ROPE
Possible Presidential candidate and former failed Vice Presidential candidate Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) persists in making an ass of himself with his characterization of the current administration:
Former Sen. John Edwards, D-N.C., says George W. Bush is the "worst president of our lifetime," and "absolutely" worse than Watergate-tainted President Richard M. Nixon.
OK, I'm going to have to assume that Sen. Edwards was in a bad car accident and perhaps in a coma between 1977 and 1980. Or maybe the Senator is only 20 years old, which could possibly excuse the "lifetime" qualification [ed.: he's older than that.] Perhaps Edwards is just a complete ignoramus, unaware of the existence of former President Jimmy Carter, who I think holds the position of "worst President" by a country cornpone peanut farming mile.
Does Edwards not recall a ruinous economy, pathetic half-assed Middle Eastern misadventures, a collapse of national confidence, the near-loss of the Cold War, and so on? Disco?! Perhaps this is a subtle form of southern collegial selective amnesia, but if G. W. Bush was presiding over double digit inflation and employment and conducting a war in a manner that had people fearing imminent nuclear annihlation on a daily basis, Edwards might have a case. Legit critique loses its sting when one ranges across the border into the absurd. Edwards seems like a decent-enough guy. Get it together man!
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 12:32 PM | Politics & Policy | Comments (0) | TrackBack
DOWN ELEVATOR
This has no news value whatsoever other than being morobidly disgusting. In a story noted in Gothamist.com, the NY Post reports that a Bronx man attempting to escape from a trapped elevator had his legs severed when the car re-started as he was wriggling out. It took an hour for the remaining blood-spattered passengers to be freed from the car containing the man's severed legs.
A man's legs were severed early today as he tried to escape from inside an elevator packed with revelers leaving a party in The Bronx, police and witnesses said.The bizarre accident occurred at 12:15 a.m. when an apartment building elevator at 2395 Tiebout Ave. in the Fordham section got stuck between the first floor and basement, police said.
That's when the man - who was not identified, but only described by cops as being in his 20s - was following two other men who had safely climbed out of the elevator to the lobby.
As he shimmied through the open doors, the elevator began to move, severing the man's legs, witnesses said.
One of the worst parts is that it's not like the rest of the people in the elevator could avoid noticing the legs, as they were 14 partygoers packed into a crowded car. Commentors at Gothamist.com noted the similarity to the death of a physician who was similarly decapidated in a hospital elevator a few years ago, which is pretty damn ironic.
I was stuck in the elevator of my previous apartment building a few years ago and had to call my super to get me out. An hour later, when the doors were opened manually and the car was stuck halfway between floors, to say that I scrambled out of there would be an understatement. Even my super--a usually imperturbable character--seemed kind of freaked out as we did a one-two-three assisted pullout, leaving me initially curled fetally on the floor away from the doors and the two of us asking each other repeatedly "We're good?" "I'm good?" "We're good?" "Good?" "You're good?" "Good?" Unfortunately, even the grotesguely apocraphyl is sometimes rooted in truth.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 12:05 PM | NYC | Comments (4) | TrackBack
May 20, 2006
MARITIME DAY!
If I could open my arms
And span the length of the Isle of Manhattan
I'd bring it to where you are
Making a lake of the East River and Hudson
-Death Cab For Cutie
That's a nice and interesting sentiment, and probably one that I've floated by a good looking woman after a few cocktails, which is why I have little success with the ladies.
In the meantime, however, we have the NYC harbor as we know and should love it. Rejoice! Today is Maritime Day, when the non-profit Working Harbor Organization conducts tours of the upper harbor--the lower harbor is southeast of the Verrazano Bridge--and New Yorkers get to see parts of the working waterfront that are normally inaccesible to them. There are three separate tours:
Tour 1
Staten Island / New Jersey
South fast to the Kill Van Kull
(passing Governors Island and the Statue of Liberty),
tugboat yards and oil docks,
on past Howland Hook to Port Elizabeth & Port Newark,
then back to Pier 63 Maritime.Tour 2
Brooklyn
South, around the tip of Manhattan,
by the South Street Seaport,
up to the Brooklyn Navy Yard,
then south to Atlantic Basin,
then further south to Erie Basin,
then around Governors Island and back to Pier 63 MaritimeTour 3
North River & New Jersey
South along Hudson River Park to Battery Park City,
by Caven Point (& the rail yards),
by Global Marine Terminal and Military Ocean Terminal,
up the New Jersey side as far as the NY Waterway yard,
then cross over to the Passenger Ship Terminals,
and back to Pier 63 Maritime.
I'll be taking the tour of the Brooklyn basins, mostly to see the renovation of the Atlantic basin into a luxury cruise ship terminal. Why all the exclamation points? For a municipal nerd such as myself, I find it hard to resist the opportunity to take a boat ride on a sunny day into areas I would never otherwise be able to visit. It's spring. It's beautiful out. I'm going to be on the water. And I'm going to be discovering arcana of NYC. It would be difficult to make me happier.
And that's why I get nowhere with the ladies.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 6:13 AM | NYC | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 19, 2006
KINGS OF NEW YORK
vs. 
New York's two remaining ballclubs set aside league rivalries for the next few days and attempt to garner bragging rights for the month of May as to which is the better team. It's a good question. The Mets are dominating the National League East this year and the Yankees are only half a game behind Boston in the American League East. Another Subway Series is not unimaginable come October, so this early matchup may be indicative of things to come. In May, however, these games have more the feel of an exhibition match than a real rivalry. The managers of both teams seem a little exasperated at having to expend the energy on what to them must appear like a stunt--regular season interleague play appearing only in the last few years. Randolph probably doesn't want to tax his team and endanger the Mets' lead, while Torre is having enough trouble getting through his league schedule with three starters out with injury and a struggling pitching staff.
"It screws up the rest of the schedule," Yankees manager Joe Torre said of interleague. "It's an interest in certain areas but there are most of them that don't."
"Our team is better, but we just want to win the games, that's all," said Mets manager Willie Randolph, who played and coached for the Yankees. "It will be a nice, fun weekend and then we've got to do it again a month later."
Because they're in different leagues, there is little of the animosity between the Yankees and the Mets that animated previous crosstown rivalries. Torre and Randolph even have a joint spokesperson deal with the Subway sandwich chain where they pal around good-naturedly in commercials.
At this point, the New Yorkers will be lucky if they can just get the game played. It's currently pouring in Brooklyn and scattered thunderstorms are forecast for this evening. The game is at Shea Stadium and scheduled for a 7:10 pm start.
Tagged:
Posted by Lexiphane at 10:33 AM | Sports | Comments (0) | TrackBack
MUNNSVILLE: CSI
I recently re-watched a film that I saw at Upstate Films in Rhinebeck, NY, my senior year of high school that I think enamored me to the art of documentary filmmaking. It was called Brother's Keeper and by Joe Berlinger and Joe Sinofsky.
In 1990, Adelbert Ward woke to find his brother beside him in bed deceased. They were two of a fraternal quartet of upstate bachelor dairy farmers that all resided in a decrepit house, living a life that would not have been out of place 100 years ago. In the hours after the discovery of the body, Delbert signed a confession that he murdered his older brother in a mercy killing.
Brother's Keeper is a documentary about a town circling the proverbial wagons to watch over what they see is the persecution of their own. According to the film, the four brothers were seen as backwood outcasts even by the standards of a rural town in central New York State. But when one of its residents went on trial for a questionable murder, the community gathered together to support a man that did no wrong--even if he did.
Preening lawyers and posturing doctors are just a sideshow to the real attraction of the film, which is a slow deliberate look at a rural community that still existed in New York State in 1990. It is absolutely fascinating and even having seen the movie in upstate NY in 1992, I was stunned at the remoteness of the location and culture. The Ward brothers lived in an unheated shack with no running water, but a tv. A few were illiterate and one had to be helped off the witness stand, apparently in shock at being transported to the milieu of a modern courtroom and in front of "big city" tv cameras.
I won't ruin the movie by saying whether Delbert was convicted of murdering his brother Bill, but I will say that the movie did stand the test of time, 14 years later. It is a cinematic treasure that stood as an example of everything promising about moviemaking in the late 20th Century, when indie films were coming into their own.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 1:35 AM | Film | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 17, 2006
27TH RUN'S THE CHARM
Scoring last night's game between the Yankees and the visiting Texas Rangers I nearly wore my pencil down to a nub. My card is filthy with runs, pitcher substitutions, hits, and footnotes. The hometown got off to a miserable start. Yankee starting pitcher Shawn Chacon got killed off early and was asked to leave the game after 1 and 2/3 innings when the Rangers went to town on him in the second, tacking seven more runs onto the two he gave up during the first. With first-string position players Sheffield, Giambi, and Matsui all out with injuries and the Yanks down 9-1 at the close of the second inning, I was tempted to turn off the tv. I'm so glad I didn't.
The Yanks almost matched Texas' 2nd-inning performance during the bottom of the sixth, slamming in 6 runs with the help of Derek Jeter's 3-run homer, a couple of walks, and some base hits. Next thing you know, the Yankees are up a run 11-10 two thirds through the game. As both teams continued to churn through their bullpens, with each team putting on a hitting clinic and savaging their pitchers', stats, the two teams traded leads through 'til the 9th, when the Rangers took the lead 13-12.
What did I write yesterday? What did I write? HIP HIP JORGE! The Yankees' catcher Jorge Posada had a game for the ages last night. He only singled once and contributed two sacrifice flies after striking out in the first, but he closed the top of the sixth when he caught a relay throw from Derek Jeter in front of home plate to confront a charging Texan first baseman Teixiera coming down the third-base line. Teixiera lowered his shoulder and slammed into Posada--I think the Rangers' first baseman is about 6'3" and 230lbs--at full speed. Posada was knocked on his ass, flat on his back, but he held onto the ball. Teixiera was out, a run wasn't scored and the inning was over. Posada sat behind the plate for about 30 seconds, contemplating the ball that he still held in his hand like Isaac Newton and his apple.
At the bottom of the 9th inning, Posada stepped to the plate, his eye swollen from the collision earlier in the game. There were two outs of course and the Yankees were down a run 13-12 to their visitors. Superstars Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez had just flied and grounded out, respectively, and only Johnny Damon was hanging out at 2nd base after leading the inning with a single. Posada was high and ahead in the count, with 3 balls and a strike. That was when he decided to go ahead and crush a pitch into the bleachers for a walk-off home run, bringing his RBI total for the game to 5.
That's only the 4th time in the history of the franchise the Yankees have overcome a 9-run deficit to win a game. I received a text message on my phone 10 seconds after the Yanks won from my friend Kelly. It was, of course, "Hip Hip Jorge!"
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 2:42 AM | Sports | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 16, 2006
LOST NEWS
This may have little importance to those out of the tri-state area, but WABC anchorman Bill Beutel was buried yesterday. He was an evening staple and his funeral revealed some funny traits:
At the memorial at Lincoln Center, friends remembered Beutel as a stickler for precise writing and neatness. Johnson laughed as he recalled that the newsman lost an early job as a gas station attendant because he insisted on washing his hands after filling each car.
Jeez, I think we could have been close.
All I know is that when Sue Simmons dies I'm throwing myself on her casket at the funeral.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 12:14 PM | NYC | Comments (0) | TrackBack
HIP HIP JORGE!
I love Jorge Posada, the Yankees' regular catcher. He's been with the team a while; he's not outrageously paid; he's not a primadonna, although really none of the Yankees are--they know they'd be beaten down by the big city media too quickly. He's got an aura of the baseball journeyman, despite playing for the premiere baseball team in the world. He seems like an everyman.
By all accounts, Posada sucked last night against the Rangers. He struck out three times--twice looking--and flied out to left for exactly zero productivity at the plate as the Yankees lost 4-2. Behind the plate, however, there was a moment of sublimnity that made me sit up and flash back to the chaotic play of my Little League days.
In the top of the 8th inning, the Rangers' Blalock singled, sending a run home and the first base runner to second. Blalock rounded first and seeing the unsuccessful throw home headed towards second, where unfortunately his teammate Nevin, the DH, was parked and unmoving. So we have a baserunner between first and second, Posada the catcher is holding the ball, and, honestly, a lot of the infielders looked a little confused like "Is this the end of the inning? 'cause this layout doesn't make any sense". That is when Posada advanced towards Blalock across the infield, trotting, then running. After a rain delay due to heavy showers, maybe he was hesitant to throw a slick ball. And to Blalock's credit, he was screwed from the outset; there was no place for him to go. But there was Posada, tagging a man out on the base path between second and first base. I don't think I've ever seen a guy in catcher's gear venture that far out in the field. It was exciting. Hip Hip Jorge!
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 11:27 AM | Sports | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 15, 2006
NEITHER BLOOD NOR TREASURE
I love NYC down to the marrow of my bones, but one of its ugliest features is the municipal pronvicialism of its residents. Unlike Bostonites, who glory in their Freedom Trail and their hometown's history of Revolutionary battles, or Philadelphians who safeguard the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall and their reputation as the Cradle of Liberty, NYers savor their separateness from the rest of the United States. An item by Gothamist.com a few hours ago about the reintroduction of a study to examine the idea of secession from the rest of the state by councilmember Peter Vallone has elicited a few representative and pitiable comments. The first was by me, regarding the history of secession by the city:
The secession movement during the Constitutional Congress was a case of powerful NYC merchants eager to strengthen the nation for purposes of trade, gain a national navy to protect shipping, and the continuance of federal largesse, as Federal Hall downtown (across from the current NYSE) was the seat of the national government. Upstater antifederalists were largely skeptical, feeling that the Constitution gave too much power to the central government. Secession of NYC from the rest of the state was eventually suggested so that the city wouldn't be left out of a newly formed union. In this particular case, both sides were partially right. The upstaters' stubborn recalcitrance was eventually rewarded with the promise of an adoption of enumerated rights once the Constitution was ratified with their support. And that's how "upstate bumpkins" helped secure us a Bill of Rights.
This was not the last case of NYC residents putting personal interest in front of national unity. In the 19th century, the Copperhead municipal movement arose to protest the Civil War. Understand that NYC was a city largely built by slaves and financed by the slave trade. 19th century residents saw little purpose in an aggressive war against southern states to stamp out a practice that had buttered its bread from the city's founding. The ensuing 1863 Draft Riots laid waste to the city, resulted in the outright murder of hundreds of black people, and are a historical blight on the honor of Gotham.
Unfortunately, the city's stature as the greatest town in the country/world affords its citizens some regrettable conceits. Here is another comment from the aforementioned Gothamist.com piece:
I don't feel American anyway, I always refer to myself as a NYer. I hate being associated with people from the South and upstate NY. They're all toothless, classless and physically repulsive, with their fat, Disneyfied lardasses trotting around with stone washed denim shorts and footlong hotdogs.
That type of sentiment makes me sick. Jesus! Even southerners, whose land was laid to waste by Union forces have more of an affection for the U.S. than that. Yeah, we don't all agree. Nor are we demographically the same. You'd think a NYer could appreciate that. That's what makes New York State and the U.S. itself incredible. I'm going to hope that second comment was written by someone young and stupid, with an emphasis on both "young" and "stupid", and an inverted relationship between the former and latter. These United States are not a nation of party line-conforming automatons who all wear the same "cool" clothes and choose the same lifestyle. And sometimes, they feel a duty to preserve a good life their nation has provided them, even sacrificing their lives to free black people who might threaten their jobs. That might not be the height of metropolitanism; but it is patriotism, and that is not as uncool as it sounds.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 3:41 PM | NYC | Comments (2) | TrackBack
THE RIGHT MAN?
In a classic case of less-than-thorough investigation, inaccurate testing, zealous prosecution, and public anger at a brutal crime, a man was sentenced to death.
On the night of March 10, 1981, Brad came home from the swing shift shortly after 11 to find Wanda's body on the bedroom floor in a pool of warm blood. She had been stabbed twice in the chest, and her throat had been slashed with such force that she was nearly decapitated. She was 19 years old.
Investigators quickly focused on Roger Coleman, 22, a bright but troubled young man who was married to Wanda's 16-year-old sister and worked at the TJ&M Coal Co. mine up on Looney's Creek. Raised mostly by his grandparents and his uncle after his parents separated, Coleman first got in trouble with the authorities for making obscene phone calls as a teenager. Just before graduating from high school in 1977, he was accused of attempting to rape a local schoolteacher. She testified that he gained entry to her home, forced her to tie up her terrified 6-year-old daughter and threatened her with a gun before she was able to escape. He denied the charge, and his high school principal testified that he had seen Coleman at school at the time of the crime. But the jury believed the victim -- Coleman served 20 months in prison. Then, two months before the murder, there was the library incident. All of that, plus Coleman's family ties to Wanda, led police to his door.
Coleman was executed in May of 1992 despite forceful appeals and representation by anti-death penalty advocates. His case was featured widely in the national media including "Nightline" and "Larry King Live." Despite his advocates' efforts, Coleman did die in the electric chair.
In a disturbing coda to the story, minister Jim McCloskey petitioned the courts to perform DNA testing to prove that Roger Coleman was ultimately innocent of the brutal rape and murder of his sister-in-law that he was executed for. It was an unprecedented move. DNA testing had never been performed to exonerate or incriminate a person who'd already been executed for a crime. Lengthy court actions eventually necessitated the tests. Years of efforts to clear the reputation of a man murdered by the state of Virginia were to become reality. McCloskey even had a crew from "Nightline" on hand to vindicate his efforts when he received a call from a DNA testing lab exonerating Coleman. There was just one problem with this classic Hollywood tale. Coleman did rape, stab, and cut the throat of his sister-in-law. An interesting story.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 11:04 AM | Current Events | Comments (0) | TrackBack
SUBLIMINAL ADVERTISING
The MTA has contracted to broadcast television commercials on the interior walls of subway tunnels to be viewed by passengers traveling by on NYC subway cars.
The Metropolitan Transportation Authority will place electronic panels capable of broadcasting commercials on the walls of some subway tunnels, said Roco Krsulic, who heads the MTA's real estate and advertising department.Advertisements on the panels will be displayed at rates determined by train speeds -- allowing riders to get a clear look. The technology has been tried in the local PATH train system and in Chicago.
This may seem stupid at first. How could a passenger possibly appreciate a commercial on a screen when they pass by at 25 miles per hour? The ads are actually like visual Burma Shave road signs, though, and take advantage of one of the oldest principles of animation. Remember flip books? Where one would rapidly flip the pages of successive drawings to give the illusion of motion? That's exactly what these commercials are, a succession of graduated images that appear as moving video when seen from a passing train. It sounds primitive, but the effect is startling. I saw one once when I was taking the PATH to New Jersey and actually jumped out of my seat to figure out what I was looking at.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 9:08 AM | NYC | Comments (0) | TrackBack
SNAKEHEADS
The April 24 issue of The New Yorker has a horrifying feature on the practice of human smuggling by "snakeheads" such as Cheng Chui Peng, or Sister Peng. They are called snakeheads because the profile of illegal immigrants sneaking across a border appear like a snake. People like Sister Peng charge people tens of thousands of dollars to attempt a modern Middle Passage in order to come to the U.S. The trip often involves crossing mountains and jungle on foot, spending months in a foreign prison, before one can even be entombed below decks on a freighter for weeks in order to eventually fling onesself down onto a fishing boat that will take you to shore in the United States. The hardships that one must go through to get here, let alone the prospect of misery that these people must be fleeing is enough to dig out one's U.S. Passport and kiss it for an hour.
One of the most interesting parts of the article was the fact that the snakehead trade was enabled by the amnesty George H.W. Bush gave Chinese immigrants after the massacre of pro-freedom demonstrators at Tianamen Square in 1989.
The snakehead trade was further fueled by changes in U.S. immigration policy. A 1986 federal law declared that green-card status could be provided for undocumented aliens who demonstrated that they had lived in the country since 1982 or earlier. This policy was surprisingly useful to those who had not yet left China, as niehgborhood businesses could forge backdated records to satisfy the residency requirement. After the 1989 massacre at Tianamen Square, President George H.W. Bush issued one executive order granting amnesty to Chinese students in the United States and another giving "enhanced consideration" to asylum applications from Chinese nationals who resisted the country's family-planning policies. These orders effectively mean that any Chinese adult could be classified as a refugee.
This is one of the examples how decriminalization rather than legalization can exacerbate rather than ameliorate crime. Amnesty for illegal immigrants can just further incentivize criminal behavior.
The sad thing is that Sister Peng, who was behind the notable drowning of several illegal immigrants off the coast of the Rockaways after they jumped from the ironically named Golden Venture, is considered the gold standard of snakeheads. She is an A-1 brand, like Nike or Sony. Desperate emigrants pay a premium to be indentured to her in life threatening passages. The alternatives are almost too terrible to consider. The feature, well written by Patrick Radden Keefe, really gives me little insight into the current immigration debate other than an appreciation for the fortune I inherited just being born in this country.
The building and businesses owned by snakehead Sister Peng are located in Chinatown just south of the Manhattan Bridge. That's where the Chinatown buses pick up and drop off passengers and I'm afraid I've probably given the woman some of my money. Map.
I checked and the article is unfortunately not available online.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 12:05 AM | Current Events | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 14, 2006
WHAT'S IN YOUR CLOSET?
Ah, the closet. Repository of all sorts of odds and ends. Worn out shoes one should have chucked years ago. Pants that don't fit. Tax forms from 1997. 200 pounds of cocaine. Wha?
A Queens man was arrested after the feds say they found more than 200 pounds of cocaine - worth about $2 million - in his bedroom closet.Juan Carlos Patino-Gutierrez, of East Elmhurst, was arraigned yesterday and held on charges of possessing and conspiring to distribute 95 plastic bags of cocaine, each containing one kilogram and packed into four cardboard banana boxes.
Goddamn! It's a wonder the guy could sleep at night; what, with all those illicit substances in his closet.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 11:21 PM | Current Events | Comments (0) | TrackBack
SHOUT OUT TO THE MOMS
I've gotten to the age where are a lot of my friends are new, relatively new, expectant, or young mothers--or any combination of the above--and it's pretty damn cool. Parenthood is a huge responsibility and motherhood especially so. So I tip my hat to these women, including Ellen, Jocelyn, Michelle, Elizabeth, Kalinka, Jenn, Jill, Natasha and anyone else I'm sure I'm grievously excluding.
The best mom, however, is always your own. And even among the lofty ranks of bests, my mom floats to the top. I won't embarrass her here with reminiscences of her greatest moments, which were achieved on a daily basis, but I would like to thank her for 30-something years of being the greatest mom I could imagine having. Happy Mother's Day Mom!
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 10:37 AM | Current Events | Comments (0) | TrackBack
HOMERS
The New York Times has a piece today on an eruption in home run at bats in Major League Baseball and, unable to find a sinister explanation, blames it on the weather.
Three weeks ago, when major leaguers were bashing baseballs at paces unseen since the so-called Steroid Era, conspiracy theorists wanted the deep flies explained by a Deep Throat. They craved someone to assign some reason — the players were juiced, the ball was juiced, the strike zone was squeezed — for this most curious offensive surge.
Albert Pujols was one of the players contributing to the rise in home runs last month, the warmest April on record in the United States.
Who knew that the man who would emerge from the shadows might not be a man at all, but Mother Nature? Through all the speculation and the wink-wink innuendo, it turns out that the hitters simply might have been hot ... literally.
Actually, that's unfair. The Times takes a very balanced and reasonable look at the issue that seeks to debunk stupider conspiracy theories among baseball fans.
But while we're talking inside baseball--literally and figuratively--let me give my thoughts on an interview Bob Costas did recently with Willie Mays [Say Hey!]. Costas was hammering Mays with questions about Mays' godson [corr.: originally identified as grandson] Barry Bonds, accused of breaking records with the use of steroids. Costas went on and on about the corruption of the sanctity of the game and the timelessness of the records. His point was that it was ultimately damaging to the essence of the game.
I personally feel the vitriol directed at Bonds is hypocritical. MLB never officially outlawed the use of steroids by its players until after the recent scandal was revealed. More so, two of the most significant culprits in the fiasco were Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire of the Cubs and Cardinals, respectively. The season-long duel to break Roger Maris' home run record between those two players was one of the most exciting things to happen to professional baseball in decades. I would also assert that it was the single-most important factor reinvigorating public interest in baseball since the pathetic abbreviation of the 1994 season due to a strike. The home run race between Sosa and McGwire made the news daily and put Major League Baseball in the spotlight.
High-minded fans and commentators like Costas can preach endlessly about the sanctity of the game, but the fact is is that steroids may have saved baseball, when it was competing against much more glamorous and exciting--at the time--sports leagues like the NBA.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 10:12 AM | Sports | Comments (2) | TrackBack
May 13, 2006
DON'T LOOK AWAY
The New York Times has a piece today about the Army's concern over a documentary on an Advance Combat Support Hospital in Baghdad due to fears that it may demoralize soldiers and their families.
The documentary, titled "Baghdad ER," chronicles two months at the 86th Combat Support Hospital, where filmmakers were given broad access to follow doctors, nurses, medics and others as they treated soldiers wounded by roadside bombs and in combat. As one nurse, Specialist Saidet Lanier, says in the film: "This is hard-core, raw, uncut trauma. Day after day, every day."The Army officials said that concerns about the documentary — which includes footage of an amputation, wounded soldiers undergoing surgery , and, in some cases, dying — were also raised by the wives of top Army officers who had seen the documentary.
I have no doubt that such footage would be disturbing to the families of service members, but I do think it's a bit patronizing to think that it would be overly demoralizing to troops. The men and women serving around the world are fully aware--in fact, too aware--of the mortal cost of being in the armed forces these days. They're neither blind nor stupid. They don't need to watch a tv show on HBO to tell them that their comrades in arms are being maimed and killed in battle. One doesn't convince a democratic populace that war is necessary by downplaying the negative--war is obviously shit--but by conveying its necessity despite its horrible costs.
Examples: The Best Years of Our Lives was an Oscar-awarded film about three friends, including a double-amputee, who find it difficult to return to their families, wives, and lives after WWII. It is about making sure that the war didn't turn out to be the most important period of their lives. The subject matter is difficult and heart-rending. The film was awarded seven Oscars.
Despite an hour of searching, I've been unable to find the exact name of a movie I saw once called "The Town That Didn't Stare", about an English village housing horribly burned RAF pilots that aided their recovery.
The point is there are plenty of pro-military programs out there. There's even a Discovery Military Channel broadcasting 24 hours a day. Showing the negative side of war may not only be balancing, but redemptive to some families and servicemen. It illustrates that they are not alone in their hardships.
A list of combat and anti-war films is available here. My personal favorite is Stanley Kubrick's 1957 anti-war film Paths of Glory. It's lesser known than his later film Full Metal Jacket, but much more powerful in my opinion. Let's compare two essential and pivotal pieces of dialogue:
From Paths of Glory:
General Broulard: Colonel Dax! You will apologize at once or I shall have you placed under arrest!
Colonel Dax: I apologize... for not being entirely honest with you. I apologize for not revealing my true feelings. I apologize, sir, for not telling you sooner that you're a degenerate, sadistic old man. And you can go to hell before I apologize to you now or ever again!
From Full Metal Jacket:
Gunnery Sergeant Hartman: What is this Mickey Mouse shit? What are you two animals doing in my beloved head? Why is Private Pyle out of his bunk after lights out? Why is Private Pyle holding that weapon? Why are you not stomping Private Pyle's guts out?
Private Joker: Sir, it is the private's duty to inform the senior drill instructor that Private Pyle has a full magazine that is locked and loaded, Sir!
And then there's the passingly clever:
From Paths of Glory:
General Mireau: I can't understand these armchair officers, fellas trying to fight a war from behind a desk, waving papers at the enemy, worrying about whether a mouse is gonna run up their pants leg.
Colonel Dax: I don't know, General. If I had the choice between mice and Mausers, I think I'd take the mice every time.
From Full Metal Jacket:
Private Eightball: Personally, I think, uh... they don't really want to be involved in this war. You know, I mean... they sort of took away our freedom and gave it to the, to the gookers, you know. But they don't want it. They'd rather be alive than free, I guess. Poor dumb bastards.
It's interesting to see in the exact 30 years between the two films, Kubrick's descent from a morally based righteous indignation at the horrors of war to an abdication of moralism and fall into nihlism of "who the fuck cares?" No more hifalutin grandstanding, just the superimposition of the Mickey Mouse Club theme being sung by soldiers marching over a blighted landscape.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 12:26 PM | Film | Comments (0) | TrackBack
IN GOOD COMPANY
This week I went to the Barnes & Noble in Union Square to search out my friend Chris Cihlar's book The Grilled Cheese Madonna and 99 Other of the Weirdest, Wackiest, Most Famous eBay Auctions Ever. After asking for it loudly at the Customer Service desk--I'm a one-man marketing machine--I was told that it was upstairs in the Humor section. I escalated my way up there and found it sitting on the shelf right next to Bill Cosby's books, as seen above. Granted, Margaret Cho's books were to his books' left and placing her in the Humor section is a bit of a stretch to say the least, but I think Chris is in good, albeit alphabetically aided, good company.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 12:10 PM | Books | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 10, 2006
BALLSY
Marketing is a mixture of art and behavioral science directed to the end of selling something to someone. It's a creative art that I simultaneously have a lot of respect and disdain for. It can be about fulfilling human needs or selling snake oil to suckers. Modern marketing holds that there are a few methods of increasing sales. One is to capture market share of a static market--stealing customers from your competitors. The other is to increase the size of the market by increasing consumption of the product, thus even a static market share would grow in business. The third method would be to enlarge the market by introducing new uses for one's products.
Let me give some real world examples. Almost all men shave on a regular basis. If one is a maker of razors that convinced consumers to switch brands, that would be example of stealing market share. On the other hand, if they convinced men that they should replace blades more frequently or shave twice a day, that would be a good example of the second method of increasing frequency of consumption. Or one could enlarge the use for one's products and expand the market by introducing new uses.
Like shaving one's balls.
Wait, what?
Shaving your balls.
I'm sure you think that's all well, shocking, and good, but surely modern marketing hasn't descended this low below the belt. Oh yes. It has.
Yesterday I was in a well-populated private business when the rep from InSite Advertising stopped by to change the talking posters that sit above captive audiences in the rest room. I asked him if he was going to put in some ads that address urinators with Jack Black hissing in a faux-Mexican accent about wearing tights. He said he wasn't. When I went to inspect his handiwork I found a poster/device from Phillips Electronics-owned Norelco advising me that I needed to/wanted to shave my balls. What? I paused for a moment and then exited. When I walked back towards the bar, the bartender noted that I seemed a little blanched.
"The poster just told me that I needed to/wanted to shave my balls."
"What? Let me see!"
When she came back she told me that the poster had told her that if she shaved her balls she could expect her [genitalia] to appear an inch longer.
Perhaps I'm old fashioned--and I suspect I am--but discussing [genitalia] length with a sweet young woman seems like it should necessitate a public duel or at least a good thrashing about the face and neck.
So we've officially crossed the Rubicon. Shaving your balls is now formally part of the polite public lexicon. Perhaps I am officially now exited from the youth zeitgeist, because I was literally taken aback at my balls and their hirsuteness addressed in a public place. I'm eagerly anticipating what I'll be addressed with next. I'm honestly curious.
You can find out more about shaving your balls at Norelco's site here. Congratulations Norelco, for raising the tone!
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 12:35 PM | Culture & | Comments (2) | TrackBack
May 8, 2006
MARRIAGE AND BODY MODIFICATION--AS OVERHEARD
Three women talking marriage in a Brooklyn bar Sunday evening:
"If I was going to get married--again--I would cut my finger off and have them stitch it back on, so you'd have the scar instead of a ring."
There's talking about marriage in a bar to fend off unwanted advances and then there's talking about lopping off appendages. I've never heard the two combined. Hats off to these ladies!
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 5:25 PM | Culture & | Comments (1) | TrackBack
CHECK IT OUT
Saturday afternoon I talked with the owner of a pristine Yellow Checker Cab, probably one of the most iconic symbols of NYC. His ride was parked on 43rd St., across from St. Agnes Church. The original-minded bride and groom decided to eschew the traditional limosuine or, in NYC, handsome cab led by a horse and instead wanted to be driven from the church to the reception in the most-NYC of all transports: the Checker Cab.
The cab pictured above has appeared in eleven separate major motion pictures, including When Harry Met Sally and Splash. The still-functioning jump seats in the back are apparently perfect for movie crews to set audio and other equipment on while filming. Despite being on its third engine and having more than half a million miles on it, the cab was in extremely good condition and the front and back bench seats looked more comfortable than the couch in my apartment. The peonies and tea roses sitting on the bumper in the picture above are not a permanent feature, but destined for the dash when the bride and groom take their places. A larger version of the photo can be viewed at my flickr site here.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 1:28 PM | NYC | Comments (0) | TrackBack
SOLD!
Contrary to the ten-year-old popular consensus among his friends that the first time we'd see him on tv would be on "C.O.P.S.", Christopher Cihlar is doing the next best thing by appearing on "The Situation, with Tucker Carlson" on MSNBC. He'll be plugging his book The Grilled Cheese Madonna and 99 Other of the Weirdest, Wackiest, Most Famous eBay Auctions Ever tonight after your late local news.
For sale:
The state of West Virginia
Britney Spears’s Pregnancy Test
A Spare Kidney
Bob Dylan’s Childhood Home
The World’s Longest French Fry
Black Betsy
The Meaning of Life
There is only one place you can get all of these under one roof. In addition to being one of the world’s largest retailers, eBay is also home of some of the most notorious, creative, and just plain weird items to ever hit the virtual auction block.
This comic celebration of the spirit of free enterprise brings together the full stories of one hundred of the most hilarious eBay auctions ever. From the “Ghost in a Jar” auction that recorded more than a million page views, to the woman who auctioned off her virginity before eBay shut her page down, to the saintly grilled cheese sandwich said to portray the face of the Virgin Mary and contain special powers, to the man who modeled his ex-wife’s wedding dress, sold it for more than three times its original purchase price, and received several marriage proposals to boot, this book chronicles the listings that have made the site such an integral—and entertaining—part of our culture. The Grilled Cheese Madonna is a salute to capitalism in its most ridiculous form.
Chris estimates that he'll go on between 11:40 and 11:45, but I suggest tuning in beforehand just to make sure you don't miss it. The book goes on sale tomorrow so look for it or ask for it at your local bookseller or just go ahead and order a copy from Amazon.com. The author is a good friend, husband to a delightful wife, and a relatively new father. Go ahead, buy the book.
Tagged:Posted by Lexiphane at 12:53 PM | Television | Comments (0) | TrackBack
May 7, 2006
GETTING HIGH UPTOWN
Yesterday I rode the A train all the way up to Washington Heights in Manhattan at the crack of noon to see the High Bridge Water Tower. Given that the tower is only open two hours a month, the water tower is an uptown skyline architectural landmark, and possibly one of the most important developmental catalysts in the history of the greatest city in the world, I was expecting a bit of a crowd when I showed at five past 12pm. I was actually the only person there, aside from the two park rangers who were nice enough to give me their undivided attention.
The High Bridge Water Tower was constructed in 1872, 22 years after the completion of the High Bridge itself, which was built to carry potable water 42 miles from the Croton Reservoir to Manhattan. Initially, there were aqueducts to transport water all the way down to the reservoir on 42nd St. (The current site of the main branch of The New York Public Library and Bryant Park), but populace expansion northward in the mid-18th century necessitated burying water mains and the construction of the 200-foot tower to create necessary pressure.
The Water Tower was gutted by fire in the 1980s, decades after its use was discontinued. In the intervening period, preservationists have restored the interior of the stone tower and re-opened it to the public. The High Bridge Coalition is currently working to re-open the High Bridge itself, which was formerly a popular public promenade connecting Manhattan and the Bronx.
One of the uncomfortable things I confirmed during my visit is that I share my weekend extracurricular plans with middle-aged women exclusively. Aside from a few bearded guys, I was the only man under 50 that I saw to visit the Water Tower. Another is that I always remember I'm uncomfortable with heights once I've stumbled to the top of some precarious spot. I'm not scared of heights; I've just come to realize that I'm really uncomfortable squatting in front of an open unguarded window 200 feet in the air. This makes my hobby of bridge traversing a real bitch.
The views from the top of the Water Tower are incredible. To the East, one can look down on the